In the Beginning

I knew as a little boy that I wasn't the way they expected little boys to be. I fantasized about the other boys penises before I even started puberty. Tried to sneak peeks in the restroom, but didn't want to get caught (it'd take years before I started exploring watersports). At an early age I found my parents copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (but were afraid to ask). I was deeply traumatized by the chapter on homosexuality.

As I hit my teens, I began to develop hair in places, which I knew was a "secondary sexual characteristic. " No one ever talk about the "primary sexual characteristics." I think that's your cock and balls. Anyway, that word "sexual" got me and I worried that if people knew I had "sexual characteristics" they would also be able to figure out what I was sexually interested in.

Due to the infamous Dr. Reuben (who probably kept me closeted a few extra years) I did know about masturbation. I did know that homosexuals put things in their butts. In a way, this was useful information. So, while I was terrified that someone would find out my deep, dark secret, I did know that my penis and anus could be sites of pleasure.

I knew that the thought of a man in woman's clothing was terrifying, not arousing (so I couldn't be a homosexual, see?), but that's what that quack said that gay men wanted. I wanted to so something with my male classmates. Probably rub penises. It would take a while.